It’s that weird time of the year where the weather isn’t quite sure what it wants to do. The change between hot and cold, bright and dreary sets the mood for reflection as we step into a new season. We start to look back on the intentions we set for the new year. It’s mellow and upbeat. It’s somber but hopeful.
For me, the past couple of months have been a whirlwind of every single emotion. I discovered things about myself that I like and things about myself that I didn’t like. I went to the funeral of a beautiful, bright young girl who managed to touch so many lives in the short amount of time she was here. It made me sit and think about what I want to accomplish with my life which brought up every emotion.
Being able to sit with the emotions was just the first part—I had to allow myself to feel the emotions. I am the “oldest sister”, the “mom-friend”, the “strong one”, the “smart one”—all titles that mean I’m good at pushing aside my emotions to come up with solutions and be there for other people. Often times, I don’t feel safe enough to be vulnerable because I thought I wasn’t supposed to be. Laying my heart bare to people felt like I laid down on train tracks. I didn’t realize that I was anticipating the train or bad things. Now, I just feel like it’s open and accept what happens as it comes but I don’t expect bad things. It was only recently that I granted myself permission to drown in my sadness and be baptized by my tears. I sat down with my sadness, had a coffee date with my anxiety, and shared laughs with my joy.
One of the good things that the solitude of winter has brought me is more time to spend with myself and find out what really triggers me in good and bad ways. I know more about what makes me happy and more about what makes me sad and how to make more of the happy things happen.
One of the things that I hope you learn to do as we get deeper into this year is to forgive yourself for not achieving every single one of the items on your New Year Resolution list yet. Shit happens and that’s okay. Feel sad for as long as you need, mourn your old dreams, and refresh for the new season. Give yourself permission to dream new dreams and make sure you create the time and space for them to come true. All you have to do is be better the next minute than you were the last minute. Make a conscious effort to move in the direction of what makes you happy and ease into your freedom.
I made a little playlist for us called Mellow Spring on Spotify. Plug it in and remember that the days ahead will have more sunshine.
“The easy path rarely leads to what our heart truly desires.” — The Internet, “It Gets Better With Time”